Sex with a narcissist enlightened me. It’s far too easy to throw around labels these days for any little problem. For instance, we are quick to label men as narcissists when they show a little selfishness. The problem? Narcissism isn’t something to joke about. It’s not a word to call someone just because they don’t think once or twice. Of course, women can be narcissists just as easily, and a relationship with a true narcissist is a dangerous thing. When it comes to sex with a narcissist, this can often be used as a weapon of control.
To help you understand more about narcissism and what sex with a narcissist is really like, I first need to tell you what a narcissist is. I’m a good one to talk about this, because I was in a relationship with a narcissist for a long time. What you hear about these types of relationships damaging you emotionally for a long time afterwards is completely true.
A narcissist is someone who only thinks about themselves, they have a hugely inflated sense of self-importance and they live for approval. They’re manipulative and can be nasty, but the problem? You won’t see it, because they’ll be the epitome of charm. They’ll use a technique called ‘gas lighting’, to basically make you think that you’re thinking wrong, you’re the one causing the problems, and not them. The truth is, it’s them, it’s always them.
Not every narcissist will use sex as part of their problem, but it’s likely that it will make some appearance in a relationship which is touched by narcissism in general. Basically, sexual narcissism is considering their sexual ability to be so fantastic, nobody else could possibly come close. Because they believe they’re literally god’s gift to women *or men* between the sheets, they believe that they can say or do whatever they want to manipulate their partner, either emotionally or physically. As you can imagine, there isn’t a huge amount of intimacy or two-way love in a narcissistic relationship. It’s all about the narcissist themselves.
Now, I’m going to say it again – women can be narcissists, just like men can, but this is a problem that women affected by a male narcissistic partner tend to talk about more. As a result, you’ll probably think it’s all about men, when it’s really not.
Do they know they’re doing it? No. They think it’s normal to act this way, and they think that it’s totally fine to treat their partner in this way, because they don’t think they’re doing anything wrong. They’ll make you think the same way. This is why narcissism is so dangerous.
Sex with a narcissist isn’t about intimacy and mutual enjoyment, it’s about them getting off and you being the one to get them there. Your pleasure isn’t really their concern, because they think they’re so amazing in bed that of course you’re going to come at least twice. The truth of the matter is that you’ll probably fake it and tell them you did, which really eggs them on even more.
Foreplay is something a narcissist hasn’t really heard of, and if they have, they don’t believe in it because it’s not for them. Why do they need to indulge you in foreplay that they’re so amazing at sex you’re going to be begging them for it anyway? That’s what they think.
I’ll talk about this from a women’s point of view, mainly because I am one. For me, sex with a narcissist became something I wanted to avoid. I’m ashamed to say, I went through with it anyway because if I didn’t, I felt like I was letting him down, or I worried he would give me the cold shoulder. This is classic narcissistic behavior when it comes to sex. Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. There was no intimacy, no feeling safe with the other person, it was all about him. I just wanted to get it over with. I became a very good actress, which isn’t really something I’ll be putting on my resume…
So, what does sex with a narcissist really look like and feel like? Honestly? Not all that enjoyable - for these reasons.
#1 A constant need to tell them they’re great in bed. A narcissist might come over as supremely confident, but they’re actually always seeking approval. Of course, they get that approval by manipulating another person into giving it to them. You won’t realize that at the time. As a result, when you’re between the sheets with your narcissistic beau, they’re likely to try and get you to tell them how amazing they are, how great it feels, blah blah.
You know the score. The more compliments you throw their way, the more their ego grows. By the end, they will be even more confident in their performance.
#2 You’re there for their enjoyment. As I’ve already mentioned, sex with a narcissistic isn’t about mutual enjoyment between two people who love each other. It’s about the narcissist getting off, and that’s about it. You are there to get them to that point, and whether or not you enjoy it, isn’t really the issue. Again, they will believe that you want it at every given moment, because why wouldn’t you? They’re amazing, right?
#3 Sex is purely physical for a narcissist. A narcissist is unable to love in the way that someone without the condition would. For them, sex is a purely physical thing and not at all emotional. As a woman, sex has to be emotional, there has to be an attachment, and while I know not every woman feels that way, I think most do, most of the time at least. For a narcissist, sex is a physical act which brings enjoyment. It’s not about creating deep connections or love. That can leave the other person feeling very cold indeed.
#4 Narcissists will lash out if they don’t get what they want. When a narcissist doesn’t get what they want from you, they will react in several negative ways. They will either give you the cold shoulder and ignore you, leading you to do what they want to get them to speak to you again, or they will become angry, throw a temper tantrum, ridicule you, put you down, and make you feel pretty worthless. Again, you’ll end up doing what they want in the end.
#5 Act cold after sex. Sex with a narcissist is far from a warm and snuggly experience, and forget cuddles after sex. It’s not going to happen. A narcissist isn’t going to hold you in their arms until you fall asleep. They won’t kiss you on the forehead after sex nor tell you they love you. Expect them to turn over and fall asleep or get dressed and go. Sex with a narcissist is cold and impersonal.
So, If you’re in a relationship impacted by narcissism, get out! There really is no future in this type of relationship, if you can even call it that. As hard as it might seem, getting out of it is the best thing you can do for yourself – and your sex life. Sex with a narcissist is like everything else with a narcissist. Hint, it doesn’t include you.