My cuck angst.
I’m a 33-year-old straight female, been with my husband for 10 years, married for six. When we first started dating, I was an extremely jealous person. Fortunately, I got it under control with lots of therapy. But once I did, I started having fantasies about him hooking up with other people. We incorporated these fantasies in the bedroom—as a fantasy—and it was insanely hot.
Anyways, I had a baby a year ago. It took some time for my libido to come back, but she is back with a vengeance. I’m horny all the time. I’m so horny that when my husband mentioned that an old friend of his who lives in another city was getting flirty, I immediately encouraged him to see if anything might come of it. With my blessing, he shared with her that I might be a cuckquean. (Sticking with “might” for now, as we’ve never actually done this).
She was interested, and the flirting escalated. Now, she’s coming to town for work. Having never actually done anything like this, I started to feel unsexy jealousy creeping back in. We decided that he wouldn’t do anything with her, just grab a quick drink. But she asked to have dinner with both of us instead. That changed the math and I agreed to dinner. But I find myself vacillating between titillation and anxiety. Am I there to watch or participate? (I’m bi, so it’s not out of the question.) They’ve already got a rapport going and I’m insecure about feeling left out.
I’m writing because I don’t know how to process this cognitive dissonance. One minute I’m so excited about realizing this fantasy that I’m sneaking away to get myself off just thinking about it. The next minute I’m worrying about what will happen if I see him giving her more attention than he gives me. I don’t know how to make sense of what I’m feeling. Am I really a cuckquean if I feel this conflicted?
Signed: Completely Confused Cuckquean
When I shared your letter with Venus, the host of the Venus Cuckoldress Podcast, she responded with three words and one exclamation point: “The elusive cuckquean!”
Cuckolding is a loving, consensual, “one-sided open relationship”, as Venus likes to describe it, and most self-identified cuckolds are men. It’s rare to encounter a cuckquean in the wild—that is, a woman who gets off on her husband or boyfriend sleeping with other women. I’ve received hundreds of letters over the years from men who wanted to be cuckolds (some gay, most straight or bi) but only a handful of letters from women like you, CCC. You are a rare flower, a black swan, a precious gem.
And what you describe—that feeling of arousal and dread, titillation and anxiety—is so common among wannabe and even practising cucks that Venus gave it a name (and a whole segment of her podcast): cuck angst.
“That emotional angst comes with a beautifully complex cuckolding relationship,” said Venus. “To be able to process and overcome damaging jealousy and turn it into something highly erotic is truly an emotional feat. It’s something I admire so much about cuckolds and cuckqueans.”
While cuck angst can be confusing, CCC, it’s not disqualifying. If your cuck angst is manageable and the rewards are worth the effort—and if your partner can help you manage your cuck angst in an affirming way—you can get to a place where you want to realize your fantasies. But like, say, bungee jumping, CCC, it’s still gonna be scary.
“One minute cuck angst can feel great and the next minute cuck angst can feel terrifying,” said Venus. [That is why it is called cuck angst!] “But your partner plays a big role in providing reassurance and support for you during all of this. I know of a wife who wrote a thoughtful letter to her cuckold husband in advance of her first encounter with another man. It was for him to read if his cuck angst became overwhelming, and it turned out to be exactly what he needed at that moment. He was able to work through the anxiety and make room for the excitement and thrill of thinking about his wife with another man.”
The partner of a cuck has to strike a tricky balance. You’re going to need your husband to acknowledge your insecurities and offer reassurances to minimize them, CCC, but you don’t want those insecurities to disappear. For most cucks, eroticized insecurities are at the heart of the cuckolding/cuckqueaning kink: no insecurities, no thrills. And while this can sound like a lot of effort to someone who doesn’t share this kink (or have a kink that requires emotional prep and aftercare), the rewards—the experiences you’ll share, the connections you’ll make, the orgasms you’ll have—can be great.
“But be prepared for some ups and downs,” warned Venus, “because cuckolding is truly an emotional rollercoaster.”
And please—please, please, please—don’t rush into your first cuckquean experience just because this particular woman happens to be in town this particular weekend. “Taking things slow is the key to success,” said Venus. “There’s always room to move forward with flirty teasing but having to take steps backwards due to jumping into things too quickly is never easy.”
It’s not easy to bounce back from a bad threesome that accidentally triggered feelings of jealousy, CCC, but it can be done. A bad first experience with cuckolding—where one person typically wants to be made to feel jealous and/or inadequate—can destroy a relationship. Learning where the line is between “good/bad” feelings (sexy jealousy) and “bad/bad” feelings (unsexy jealousy) takes time and not just good communication, CCC, but excessive communication.
NOTE: This posting is reprinted from STRAIGHT in the October 22, 2021 Savage Love Column exclusively prepared and wholly owned by Dan Savage.