Having a Threesome

Have you ever fantasized about having a threesome? Having good sex with one person is hard enough (no pun intended), but adding a third person into the mix can double the pleasure or double the pressure.

So how do you know if having a threesome is right for you? Threesomes may be a bucket list item in the world of sex, but is a ménage à trois really all that different or is it the same game, just with multiple players?

I asked Cheaper Than Therapy readers to write in and share their experiences so Psychologist, Intimacy and Relationship Expert Catalina Lawsin and I could get to the bottom of the best way to approach having a threesome.

And one thing is for sure — whether you're riding solo and looking to become a third, or part of a couple looking to bring someone into your sexual fold, there are a few questions you need to ask yourself.

Here are three readers' accounts of their experiences with group sex.

"At the time, my boyfriend and I worked together. One of our managers asked my boyfriend if we would be interested in a threesome with him! LOL. My boyfriend said we didn't do things like that and declined. We continued working under that manager for about a year, and he never said a word of it to me and acted like nothing ever happened." – Anonymous.

"I was having fun with a friend with benefits from work, and he invited me to a party at his friend's nightclub. We ate and drank a lot, then we ended up having a threesome at the guy's apartment and taking selfies on the bed. It's very funny every time I remember that experience, but it won't happen again." – Anonymous.

"I was at a Halloween party when a woman approached me and had a friendly conversation. Her husband sat creepily behind her, nodding his head. When she said, "We picked you out in the crowd for tonight," I knew it was time to leave." – Anonymous.

Before I address the "creep" factor referenced in some of these scenarios, it's good to remember that these stories are being recounted by people that may not have been open to or just plain into group sex.

All pleasure is good pleasure in my eyes as long as it's consensual, but no two people have the same sexual appetite – for example, spanking could be a turn-on for some and a complete boundary violation for others. So it's important to approach these conversations sensitively.

Lawsin pointed out that in most of these scenarios, the writer didn't seem that into the idea of group sex, but if they had been their perception of the situation may have changed.

Although when it comes to bosses trying to screw their employees, you already know my opinion.

So if you're into the threesome fantasy, understanding boundaries and being careful about your communication is key.

This brings us back to finding out if having a threesome is right for you.

How to bring up having a threesome in a monogamous relationship

If you're part of a couple and you've got an itch to break out of your monogamous rut and add some fresh blood to the mix, the first thing you should ask yourself is why?

Do you want to bring in another person to make your partner happy or to liven up your dead sex life?

According to Lawsin, those reasons aren't going to cut it, and it all comes down to your own wants, needs and desires.

Before even bringing up the idea to a partner Lawsin say's it's important to pinpoint your intention. Do you want to feel "danger" or "surrender" in that experience?

After you can articulate what and why YOU want this experience, it's time to have an open conversation.

(Spoiler alert if you can't talk about turn-ons and hard stops candidly with your sexual partner, you may not be at the threesome stage yet.)

"So first and foremost, it's important to actually clarify what is my intention of doing this, then we get to actually communicate it. Right? We get to say, 'Hey, you know what, I'm really interested in exploring and kind of edging a little bit where I'm at right now and seeing how my body feels with that, would you be open to doing this?'"

Lawsin says that one no means no, so if your partner isn't into it, tough luck.

When it comes to threesomes and sexual experiences, Lawsin drives home that your boundaries are your responsibility and that it's your job in sexual experiences to communicate them and respect the ones your partner's layout.

This leads us to the signs that your relationship may not be ready to have a threesome.

If your sex life sucks, having a threesome won't fix it – if you can't have steamy sex with two people, what makes you think having sex with three people will be any easier?

An extra person in the mix means more communication, more aftercare, and more nervous systems in the mix, which could get triggered, according to Lawsin.

How to know if your relationship can handle having a threesome

If you and your partner are interested in having a threesome, it may be time to get introspective and ask yourself if you can handle all the emotions that may come up, like jealousy and insecurity.

Lawsin says threesomes aren't just a quick fix for something lacking in a relationship and that, surprise, surprise, adding an additional person means adding more work into your relationship.

A good sign that you may be ready for a threesome is if you have a foundation of good communication with your partner, where you can both talk through your desires and needs.

Internally Lawsin says it's important to know if you have the resources to handle emotions like jealousy without pawning off those on to your partner.

"We don't trust that we can actually manage the stress... So we blame them and give the responsibility to [our partners]," Lawsin explained.

Consider it like a house of cards, if your base isn't stable, adding another card on top isn't going to make your tower stronger – it may just be the thing that brings it crashing to the ground.

But if you do have a great foundation, you may expand your sexual behaviour to reach new heights, and gain what it was you were looking for, whether that be a bit of "danger" or something new in your relationship.

How can having a threesome impact a relationship?

Lawsin primarily works with ethically non-monogamous couples, and when threesomes go right, she says it's an opportunity to learn about yourself when you're at your most vulnerable.

When a couple is on the same page in their intention, she compares it to ordering off a menu.

"What I've witnessed is that it's actually almost as if like you're ordering, right, like you can say, 'Okay, this is our dynamic right now in our couple, and you know what, we want to feel young again, so let's find somebody with that youthful energy and see how that influences us as a couple."

Where it goes wrong is when couples use adding other people into their relationship as a cure or quick fix to a problem in the relationship.

"I just think you got to first to see, ok, what's the actual issue here? What are you actually trying to mend? And how can we create security so that's actually nurtured and the relationship's foundation is actually strengthened rather than just expanding."

Cheap advice

Before you take the plunge and tackle two people at once, Lawsin says you need to be clear about your intentions, needs, wants, and desires and make a "conscious choice that is aligned to that."

"Give yourself the space to be honest with yourself and to f**cking own that your needs, wants, and desires are sexy as hell and that you get to give yourself that," says Lawsin.

Based on our conversation, I whole-heartedly agree with Lawsin and would add from her nuggets of wisdom to prioritize your own boundaries and wants over anyone's expectations of you.

If you want to have a threesome, there's no rush; take your time.

Have a sexy little chat with your partner about what an ideal situation looks like for you, and don't compromise any of your boundaries to make someone else happy.

Work with your sex partner to find out their turn-ons and non-negotiables and respect everyone's choice to own their sexuality in whatever way makes them feel "sexy as hell."