The concept of friends with benefits entails two people who wish to engage in a sexual relationship without the limitations of being committed to each other. Those two people do not need to perform the necessary nuances related to being boyfriend and girlfriend or otherwise. But, how do you find and get a friend with benefits?
No need for obligatory dates and complimentary gifts. All you need is a person who is willing to have sex with you on a regular basis!
How can you initiate a friends with benefits relationship?
Being friends with benefits with someone isn’t as hard as you may think. Here are some steps you can take.
Find a friend
These days, it’s easy to find someone who is willing to sleep with you, without any commitment. You just have to know where to look, whether it’s online, among your group of friends, or among flings you’ve dated in the past.
Just be sure you know what to expect from this relationship. If being lovey-dovey is what you’re after, then this kind of relationship is not for you.
1. Platonic friends
Your friends are a treasure trove of willing sexual partners. They are your safest bet because you can trust them.
The problem, however, is that when you engage in sexual relations with a friend, it can end badly when you start to develop feelings for each other.
So, make sure that you know the risks and are willing to face the consequences when faced with them.
2. Online dating and hookup apps
A lot of people who use online dating to find prospective partners are usually interested in hook-ups. Most of them end up as one-night stands, but they can also develop into full-fledged friends with benefits relationships.
This is a tricky one because having sex with a co-worker can complicate your professional environment.
You need to make sure that whoever you choose is willing to engage in a friends with benefits relationship, without letting it affect your work.
Alcohol, skimpy outfits, and loud music – this is the perfect combination if you are looking for a possible sex buddy.
People in bars are not there to find someone to marry. They are usually there just to have fun with their friends or hook up with someone new.
5. Hobby locations
A book or garden club, firing ranges, the farmer’s market, or an open mic night at the corner coffee shop – these places are the prime location for strangers who are willing to make friends.
Once you find a friend in these types of locations, you can then attempt to initiate a sexual relationship with them, once you get to know each other better.
Initiate the arrangement
Once you find a friend, the next step is to make your pitch. You can’t expect to become friends with benefits immediately. You need to ease them in as you express your intentions.
1. Start the conversation
Talk about anything other than sex. You need to check if your chosen friend is looking for something sexual, without outright asking them.
Some people are not into being friends with benefits. That is why you need to establish whether that person is open to the idea.
By talking about mundane things, you can ease the conversation into intimate territory. Once you are both comfortable, you can start asking about their intentions by inquiring about their recent relationship.
2. Express your intentions
Once you’ve moved on to relationship topics, you should immediately tell that person that you do not want to be in a relationship.
But don’t let it end there. You need to tell that person about your intentions as well.
You can do this by subtly saying that you miss having sex. That will be the signal that will prompt your friend to ask whether it is something that you both might be into.
3. Set the boundaries
Now that you have established that you are definitely going to have sex with each other, tell them that this is not a one-time thing.
However, make it clear that this is not a request for a commitment as well. It might be complicated, but your friend will understand once they realize the specifics of the arrangement.
4. Lay down the rules
The rules are different from the boundaries that you set. Rules are specific. They are there to help your situation be less complicated. The rules depend on you and your partner’s needs. You can set the rules so you won’t need to date, talk or see each other more than necessary.
It all depends on you, but a friends with benefits relationship requires both people to refrain from acting like they are in a relationship.
5. Set the time, date, and place
After expressing your intentions to your partner, you might end up sleeping together immediately. If that is the case, you can arrange your schedule after you’ve done the deed.
Scheduling is necessary for the first few times because it can help you avoid any embarrassing situations when your friend turns out to be busy. You don’t want to come off as if you’re begging someone for sex!
It doesn’t have to be a time-sensitive situation. You only need to know when your friend with benefits is usually available and vice versa.
Keep the relationship going
Being in a friends with benefits situation means that it can go on as long as possible. Unless you and your sex buddy find someone else while you’re seeing each other, you can continue to sleep with each other.
There are other reasons why things can end. An example is when you and your partner realize that you don’t get along. It can also end when one or both of you realizes that the sex is not as good as you expected it to be.
If none of those things happen, you still need to take steps to prevent the situation from turning into a one-night stand or progressing into a relationship.
Apart from that, you have to understand that this person is free to sleep with other people. That is why there are a few rules that you need to understand in order for you to have a healthy friends with benefits relationship.
1. Friends with benefits say hello once in a while
In order to do this, you have to communicate with that person on a regular basis. When we say regular, we mean anywhere from once a week to a few times a week – not once a day. If that happens, you could be bordering on committed relationship territory.
2. You are not their mother
Do not attempt to treat your partner like a mothering hen. Do not ask them about their day unless it is necessary. Do not give them gifts, unless they are an old friend and there is an occasion.
3. Friends with benefits will see other people
And you have to accept that. This also means that you need to be doubly safe. Always use protection and get yourself checked for STDs regularly.
4. Friends with benefits try not to discuss other people they are involved with
Involving other people can complicate an already confusing situation. Do not mention the people that you are seeing and ask your partner to avoid mentioning who they’re seeing as well.
Though you’re not committed, talking about other partners can give way to a bit of jealousy.
Being in a friends with benefits relationship sounds like a good deal, but sometimes it can end badly. Although sex is an activity that can be enjoyed by two people, you can still develop feelings for one another because of it.
Before you initiate a relationship like this, always remember your limitations. Know that your feelings will not always align with your partner's. When that happens, you have to talk about it, otherwise, the issue might fester.
The most common friends with benefits rules both of you have to follow
It might seem like having a friend with benefits is nothing but wild casual sex and a lot of fun. And yes, it can be. But it can also turn bad if the two of you don’t set some rules between the two of you.
So, here are some common suggestions that most people in this situation follow.
1. Make sure it’s completely consensual
If you’re the one who is initiating the friends with benefits situation, then you need to make sure that the other person is completely on board with it.
Sure, they might say they are. But are they really? Or are they secretly hoping that it will turn into a committed relationship someday?
2. Friends with benefits keep emotions in check
It’s not uncommon for one person to fall for the other one. Even if you think there is no way you will develop feelings for the other one, it happens a lot.
That’s fine if both of you fall for each other. But when it’s a one-way street, that can be painful.
3. Friends with benefits must be clear about expectations
You need to think about why you want to have a friends with benefits situation. Is it just to have sex? Is it because you’re avoiding commitment? Do you hope it leads to a committed relationship?
Be honest with yourself about your expectations. Also, be honest with your partner and have them share their expectations too.]
4. Have safe sex
Remember, when you’re in a friends with benefits situation, it’s not assumed that you are sexually exclusive with one another.
Your partner could be sleeping with other people, so you need to use protection. Even if none of you are sleeping with anyone else, you both have sexual pasts, and you need to make sure you don’t get an STD.
5. Try not to get jealous
If you aren’t sexually exclusive, it is easy to get jealous of the other people your partner is sleeping with. Even if they’re not sleeping with other people, maybe they’re dating others.
Or, they could find someone they want to get into a committed relationship with. This can hurt your self-esteem.
6. Friends with benefits keep checking in
Keep assessing within yourself and your partner whether or not the situation is still working for you. At any point, either of you might think that they don’t want to continue with the relationship.
So, keep asking yourself how you’re feeling about it, and ask your partner how they feel as well.
7. Friends with benefits must be realistic
A lot of people, especially women, think that they can “sex someone into a relationship.” In other words, they think that if they can get someone to have sex with them that they will eventually want to be in a committed relationship.
But that doesn’t happen a lot. So be realistic about any outcome that can happen.
8. Friends with benefits communicate honestly
Communication is difficult for a lot of people to do because it makes them vulnerable. By telling your partner how you feel, it helps keep everything honest and open.
So, don’t be afraid to speak up and say what you think and feel about the situation. But both people should be comfortable doing this.
9. Define the level of kinkiness
Some people have a high desire for kink and others are a lot more vanilla. So, this is also something you will need to negotiate with your friend with benefits.
If one of you wants to do BDSM and the other one only likes the missionary position, that might not work. You need to be on the same page regarding how adventurous you’re going to be.
10. Have an exit plan
Most of the time, the friends with benefits situation will come to an end. So, you need to think about how you are going to exit the relationship? When will you come to the conclusion that enough is enough?
You will have to decide about what you want in the future and when you should make the decision to move on.
Now that you know how to get a friend with benefits, you are opening yourself up intimately to another person, while keeping your emotions out of the equation. If you decide to go through with this relationship, just make sure that you know exactly what you are getting into.